baru kau pergi, sudah ku tanya
"bila akan kau kembali?"

there is a number of things that i find vulgar.

01 "Alah, kita ni siapa, budak poly ajer bukan dari JC ataupun university."

so what does that mean? that you are dumber than me? that i know more than you and i am therefore, automatically qualified to be successful in life? does it not matter how much hardwork one has to put in to be successful? why such an inferiority outlook in life?

i condemn such statements cause a) it reflects how badly you look at yourself, b) the stereotype that you forced upon me and c) there is nothing in that statement that qualifies to be a yardstick for success. i look up to my uncle who did poorly in his academics, worked hard and now is a successful person. i have never excluded anyone in my interactions nor be biased towards them based on their academic qualifications. i never start a conversation by asking a person about his academic background. i don't think it's fair that you, with your low self-esteem should make me feel bad for being a university graduate.

why don't you just bloody think about the effect of your whimsy statement?

02 "You always exaggerate things. You from theatre what."

now here's another killer line. this usually comes after i manage to successfully express my emotions. so since i am trained in theatre, my thoughts and feelings cannot be taken wholly as they are all theatrics. i am trained to imitate but i don't think my life is an imitation. i life live and i do get affected by things and people around me but god forbid for me to feel anything real cause when you are an actor, the world is your stage and everybody else around you are your co-stars.

where the fuck is my billboard then?

03 "Adalah saya maklum bahawa awak ini anak seni nan maha ekspresif. Namun harus kita jaga ketatasusilaan kita sebagai Melayu Islam Beradat." 

that one has to be in bold cause i don't think at this time and age, ANYONE can claim that they had a 100% Malay-Muslim upbringing. of course, those with the spirit of Hang Tuah in them would love to delude themselves into believing it or try their very best to deviate from contemporary social norms to live that life. however, how much of this Malay tradition can we really claim to be ours? what did we create out of dust? somebody perhaps should really enlighten me on this as there is a possibility that i am ignorant.

all i know is that i don't go to work wearing a sarong nor have my hair bun up with a sanggul. my mum didn't ask me to talk in perfect Malay sentences, my father never once asked me to shy away from the window cause "takut bunga tiada lagi harganya" and most of the 'rituals' and traditions that i have observed and which i see the 'Malays' perform are most of the time influenced by the Hindus.

so i really don't know what this bullshit is all about. bottomline is, what Malay-Muslim is all about is how you defined it as. i think even Hang Tuah would be living, eating and speaking differently if he is here now.

i wouldn't even want to argue through the perspective of Islam.

" We should pause to consider the question of the hijab, and the Muslim institution of the veil. It is often seen in the West as a symbol of male oppression, but in the Qur'an it was simply a piece of protocol that applied only to the Prophet's wives. Muslim women are required, like men, to dress modestly, but women were not told to veil themselves from view, nor to seclude themselves from men in a separate part of the house. These were later developments and did not become widespread in the Islamic empire until three or four generations after the death of Muhammad. It appears that the custom of veiling and secluding women came into the Muslim world from Persia and Byzantium, where women had long been treated in this way.

In fact the veil or curtain was not designed to degrade Muhammad's wives but was a symbol of their superior status. After Muhammad's death, his wives became very powerful people: they were respected authorities on religious matters and were frequently consulted about Muhammad's practice (sunnah) or opinions. Aisha became extremely political and in 656 led a revolution against Ali, the Fourth Caliph. It seems that later other women became jealous of the status of Muhammad's wifes and demanded that they should be allowed to wear the veil too. Islamic culture was strongly egalitarian and it seemed incongruous that the Prophet's wives should be distinguished and honoured in this way. Thus many of the Muslim women who first took the veil saw it as a symbol of power and influence, not as a badge of male oppression. Certainly when the wives of the crusaders saw the respect in which Muslim women were held, they took to wearing the veil in hope of teaching their own menfolk to treat them better."

Karen Armstrong
Muhammad: A biography of the Prophet</em>

through whose eyes am i looking at you with?

O al-Llah, to Thee I complain of my weakness, little resource, and lowliness before men. O Most Merciful, Thou art the Lord of the weak and Thou art my Lord. To whom wilt Thou confide me? To one afar will misuse me? Or to an enemy to whom Thou hast given power over me? If Thou art not angry with me, I care not. Thy favour is more wide for me. I take refuge in the light of Thy countenance by which the darkness is illumined, and the things of this world and the next are rightly ordered, lest Thy anger descend upon me or Thy wrath light upon me. It is for Thee to be satisfied until Thou art well pleased. There is no power and no might saved in Thee.

The Prophet's prayer in Taif. He had just lost Abu Talib and Khadija.

walking through the path that i once walked through with you, i reached the spot where our footsteps lost their sync and i knew at an instant that this would be my last night with you.

i cut across the blocks into the carparks. the silence of the sleeping souls calmed me and my mind wondered if you would be at home- sleeping or in wakefulness? should i even bother calling, perhaps to get over the awkwardness?

the bend, the bend. do i want to pass through that bend that will lead me to you and the field? the night like most nights which i sit looking into your eyes, in waiting for that moment when you were going to leave me again. i always knew.

letting the cars pass through, i leaned my body against the railing. i am the suspicious character who looked through the windows of random strangers' homes.

i remembered taking off my shoes and leaving the jingles of the bell behind me in my entrance. you would follow shortly behind and we would sit in waiting. tissues and tears for vanity.

no, it's too far! we have reached already. i told you it's just nearby. we better hurry. we're going to be late for class. i don't want to get into trouble. no we won't. paddle pop please. two.

i shall rest here. i can see them now. the many above me, the two at the corner trying to be inconspicuous, the you i see and the emptiness in front of me.

i lit you up.

i imagined you, the one at the back of my head, the one whom i paid this tribute to as i exhale the many memories that you plagued me with.

i am home.

it's getting harder and harder to get up everyday.

i wish, i wish, i wish.

i forbid you to speak for you do not know what you are talking about.

these moments of despondency

i would give up everything

and forever

to just lie in your chest again.